An easy choice

Germany's election campaign is now in full swing.

The elections are on Sunday, 27 September, and it is virtually certain that Angela Merkel will retain her position as chancellor, either in a continuation of the current grand coalition with the Social Democrats (SPD) or, more likely, together with the free-market liberal party (FDP).

But just when it seemed as though the campaign was going to be a monumental bore — mainly because of the excruciating incompetence of the Social Democrats — a new candidate has set the political scene alight.

First, however, a little test. Which of these two politicians would you be more likely to vote for?

1. Herr S. He promises to create full employment by 2020 through four million extra jobs in sectors such as green technology, health, creative industries and various other services.
2. Herr S. He promises that he won't create four million extra jobs and, should he do so by accident, you can throw him out of office. Oh yes, and he's offering free cosmetic surgery for all.

Yes, I know it's confusing that they are both called Herr S., but life is confusing sometimes. So, what's your choice? It's a no-brainer, isn't it?

The point is that no one believes the promise of the first Herr S., SPD leader and foreign minister Franz-Walter Steinmeier. He is now seen as being not only boring, but also as lacking in credibility. Much as voters like the idea of jobs, they don't believe politicians can create them.

This is what makes the second Herr S. more believable and likeable — even without the cosmetic surgery offer, which will be attractive to millions of voters (mainly women, but I'm considering my options as well).

This second Herr S., in case you missed it, is the fictitious journalist Horst Schlämmer, the alter ego of Germany's much-loved television comedian Hape Kerkeling, and leader of the Horst-Schlämmer-Partei (HSP).

Schlämmer presented his election manifesto this week to promote his new film Isch kandidiere ("I'm a candidate"), which opens on 20 August. He also promised a basic monthly income of €2,500 for everyone, and admitted that he had "no idea" how it would be financed. Brilliant!

Sad but true: if Schlämmer really did become a candidate, his party would do better than Steinmeier's pathetic SPD, which would normally get my vote (if I had one). Now come on Horst: how about letting us resident tax-paying foreigners have our say? Then there would be no stopping you.