Out of order

A few weeks ago, I said that if you expect to find good service, that's what you'll find. If, on the other hand, you expect bad service, then you'll find that, too.

Last week, I realized how wrong I was. I was confidently expecting good service, thought I had found it, but then ended up railing about the terrible service.

"Railing" is an appropriate word here because the company in question was — yes, you guessed — the German rail company, Deutsche Bahn (DB).

Now, Deutsche Bahn has enough problems already. Their boss, Hartmut Mehdorn, had to resign recently and the company has been accused of spying on its staff. So DB doesn't really need any more bad publicity. But I'd like to tell you my little story, which I'm sure is no worse than that experienced by many other travellers.

Before I do so, I should say that I am a great fan of rail travel, which, at its best, is a wonderfully relaxing, productive and environmentally-friendly way to travel and work. That's why I recently bought a first-class Bahncard (for cheaper travel) at Fulda, which is where my story begins:

Fulda, 3 May, 16.20. I want to travel to Cologne via Frankfurt. The woman at the service desk is very friendly, helpful and patient. She issues my Bahncard, advises me on connections, books the ticket and makes a seat reservation from Frankfurt to Cologne (cost €5).

16.40. The friendly lady tells me that my 16.48 train to Frankfurt is 30 minutes late and that I will miss my connection. She suggests I take a different train (delayed only five minutes) to Frankfurt-Süd, and then take the S-Bahn (which belongs to DB) to the main station.

17.40. I arrive on time at Frankfurt-Süd and take the S-Bahn as suggested. But it breaks down two stops from the main station. I have to get out and run through the city centre to the main station. I miss my connection at 18.10, with my €5 seat reservation. I'm hot, sweaty and knackered.

18.29. I catch the next train to Frankfurt. I ask — out of curiosity — if there is any compensation for the missed connections and wasted reservation. Maybe a free drink? I explain that I have just bought a first-class Bahncard. The guard's answer is clear, if bizarre: no, she can't give me a free drink because the train that I have just got on isn't delayed. (She's right, it's not — it's just not the train I should be on.)

Cologne, 19.40. I arrive "on time" and go to a concert.

23.40. I want to take the night train to Munich at 23.59. I'm told at Cologne main station that I will have to wait till the train comes to see if there is a seat or couchette free. Fair enough; you are supposed to book in advance. I didn't because I wasn't sure whether I would catch this train.

23.59. The train doesn't come. We are told it is delayed 15 mins., then 40 mins., then 60 mins.

4 May, 01.10. The train finally arrives from Amsterdam. I ask if there is a seat free. "No," barks a guard. "We're fully booked." He then adds, "ask my colleague over there". I run to the next carriage and ask the colleague. "Yes," he barks, "but only if you've got money". I tell him I have not only money, but also a first-class Bahncard and a credit card. "A credit card? That's like money," he barks. Surreal, but true. The lovely lady from Fulda seems like centuries ago.

Munich, 09.00. The night train arrives. It should have got in at 07.15. I ask — out of curiosity — if there will be any compensation for the delay. (I had read that DB is planning better compensation for delays from October.) "No," the guard says relatively politely. "On night trains, the delay has to be more than two hours. We are delayed only 105 minutes."

I repeat that sentence to myself a few times to understand its full significance. "We are delayed only 105 minutes." Only 105 minutes? Well that's pretty good, isn't it?

No, it's not. It's crap. It's crap service. And it's crap treatment of customers, whether or not they've just bought an expensive first-class Bahncard.

Get your act together, Deutsche Bahn!