You will survive!

At some moment, every stock market crash reaches it low point. In retrospect, this point is easy to see on a graph. But while the crash is happening, it’s almost impossible to spot.

Often we think things can’t get any worse, but then they do. So if investors start buying shares again too early, they immediately make losses.

Sometimes, the market recovers a little after a steep fall, only to drop back down again. (A minor recovery like this is called a “dead-cat bounce” for fairly obvious reasons.)

So the big question is: should you be taking advantage of the market crash to invest in shares now and enjoy some nice profits when the market rises again, as it always has in the past at some point?

I have a very clear view on this: I don’t know. I’m very glad I sold nearly all my shares a year ago. But I’m not arrogant enough to give you advice on whether you should be entering the market now.

I am, however, arrogant enough to tell you 10 products that seem to me sure-fire investments at the moment. You might want to consider shares in the companies that make them:

• Socks: for savers to keep their money in under their bed.
• Pillows: for savers who have more money than will fit into a sock.
• Beds: for savers with so much money that they need more than one bed.
• Painkillers: for all the backache caused by looking under the beds.
• Alcohol: for those who need to steady their nerves.
• Nails: for all the signs that will be going up on bankrupt businesses.
• Bicycles: for all those who can no longer afford to go by car.
• Earplugs: for bank managers who don’t want to listen to their customers.
• Paddles: for all those stuck up shit creek without one. (See here.)
• Ropes: OK, maybe that’s just too tasteless...

As always, this advice comes without any guarantee of success. And remember: the value of investments can go down as well as down.