“Job titles are getting longer and even sillier”

While looking at jobs on LinkedIn recently, I spotted an exciting opportunity in the United States: “ambassadorBotschafter(in)Ambassador wanted!”

I thought it unlikely to be an advert for the UK’s representative in Washington, because when Donald Trump said that Brexit promoter Nigel Farage would be the ideal man for the job, the British government was quick to tell him: “There is no vacancyVakanz, freie Stellevacancy for that position.”

Nevertheless, I read on: “Must be able to work various shiftSchichtshifts… and be available weekdays and weekends.” Well, you’d expect a diplomat to be flexible. Those formal dinners rarely happen between nine and five. I could agree to that. What else?

“Must have reliable transportation.” Now, I thought an ambassador would get a company car, but my VW is very reliable, so I still meet the criteria. What’s next?

“Be authorized to work in the US.” Ah, now that’s a problem; I don’t have a green card. But my sister does — maybe I’ll send the advert to her. Oh, look. This ambassador job is, strangely, in Atlanta, and that’s where she lives. How perfect! The perk (ifml.)Vergünstigungperks look excellent, too: “free scoop(Eis-)Kugelscoops”. Hey, what?

Ice cream ambassador wanted

Yes, the “ambassador” was for Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams. The advert says it’s “the ice cream Time magazine calls ‘the best in America’”. In which case, why wouldn’t you be proud to be a “sales assistant” for that company?

The fashion for overblown and opaqueundurchsichtig; hier: unklaropaque job titles started long ago. The problem is that, as each overblownhochtrabendoverblown title becomes the norm, we to up sth.etw. steigernup the silliness.

As I write, Verizon is looking for a sales representativeAußendienst
mitarbeiter(in)sales representative, “or what we like to call a Solutions Specialist”. They’re not alone in liking it: “solutions” jobs are everywhere, even though private eye (ifml.)Privatdetektiv(in), Schnüffler(in)Private Eye magazine has satirized this word as terrible corporate speakWirtschaftsjargoncorporate speak for over a decade.

Increasing syllables, stagnating wages

Clare Lynch, director of Doris & Bertie, a London firm that helps businesses talk and write like human beings, says: “Any rebrandUmfirmierung; hier: Umbenennungrebrand of a job is always accompanied by an increase in syllableSilbesyllables. I to suspect sth.etw. vermutensuspect it’s a way of compensating for stagnating wages.”
 

Any rebrand of a job is always accompanied by an increase in syllables

New positions are no excuse for getting complicated. It’s clear what a “social media manager” does. But “scrumGedränge; hier: Vorgehensmodell 
der agilen Software-
Entwicklungscrum master”? My dictionary defines “scrum” as a term in rugby. You must look elsewhere to learn it’s an important job in software development.

How about “seasonal loss prevention service ambassador”? I think it’s a temporary store detective. A “multilingual inbound channel marketing conciergePortier(sfrau); 
hier etwa: Proficoncierge”? No idea. Meanwhile, a London company seeks a “customer experience detective” — perhaps to find customers who are having experiences. I think I may be having one right now.

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